battle of the bathtub

*flick* no light

*flick flick*

"that's odd," i muse aloud. the light in my bedroom doesn't turn on. being human, i must test it a few more times, to assert my humanity.

*flick flick flick flick flick flick flick flick flick flick flick flick flick*

still nothing.

*flick flick flick flick*

half-blind i wander through my room, looking for light. finally, i find a small lamp and plug it in to the wall socket i can barely see by the dim light filtering through the slats of my window blinds.

the night is cold. the wind is still. a quiet surrounds the house.

when i turn the switch on the small lamp in my hands i feel a buzz and see a flicker before its weak light steadies. through the doorway my light reveals movement in the bathroom. but what could it be? i am alone here.

with faltering steps i shuffle toward the doorway to see what awaits me. something arrests my progress, it is the cord on my lamp. do i stop? do i press on to unknown horrors?

my curiosity pushes me forward, it hastens me to set down my light and press on. when finally i peer beyond the curtain, i let out a sigh of resignation. it is as a suspected: there is a zombie in my bathtub.

he does not move.

he sits there, watching me with a baleful glance.

he waits for me.

with lightning reflexes honed from years of fighting off these demons, i go for my one weapon against such beasts. the only thing i have at hand: water.

in moments, his corpse has shriveled into a pose i know can mean only death. it floats on the surface of the water and circles the drain. victory is mine. its warmth curls my lips into a sneering smile only seen at the demise of ones enemies.

thus victorious, i make to return to my lamp. to fix my light. to go to bed.

but what's this? what is that sound i hear coming from the drain? could it be?

i glance back. my nemesis is crawling from the pipe.

how can this be? i saw him....i saw his corpse.

i have again succumbed to the machinations of this vile beast. he feigns death to murder me in my sleep. he ruins my light and blames the bulb. is there no end to his trickery?

but i am wise. wiser perhaps than his last victim. it is a hope i hold dear as i turn to face him once again.

his claws tear at the porcelain as he tries to free himself from a watery death. the slick metal beneath him can offer no purchase. still he pushes, strains for freedom. were he not a zombie, i might be impressed.

and yet he and i cannot remain here together. so it is with grim determination i turn the water on again. its burning heat scalds him as his miserable carcass slips back into its final casket. the metal and soap and hair will trap him there. i put the final nail in his coffin, as it were; the plug slips into place with a final clink.

the bathroom is safe again. the bathtub is mine. no zombie will claim it this night for his own.

he will have no feast of brains.

i have defeated him and saved my small portion of the world from this one specimen of the plague that surrounds us. follow me, learn my story and benefit from it. they have won many times, we will will many more.

and by 'zombie' i mean spider.